Song Of Memories
by YouAreAlwaysHereToMe
Summary: Suffering from losing his wife, the 12th Doctor decides to claim back all his memories by undoing River's mind-wipes. But when realising that he is not only going through memories, the chance to change the past and save his wife becomes irresistibly tempting...
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one

When he noticed the sound of the TARDIS materializing in front of him, Nardole wasn't sure which feeling was stronger: Relief that the Doctor wouldn't leave him standing in the pouring rain any longer, or anger that he had disappeared again without him. It had started to become a nasty habit of his best friend to literally vanish into thin air leaving him all by himself, or in this case in New York in 2016 with a young couple and a baby.

„Would you mind telling me where you have been, Sir? Not that I mind you leaving me behind again, but Earth and especially New York wouldn't be my first choice for a holiday. And I am sure Grant and Lucy can do with a little time on their own now."

Nardole stepped through the TARDIS door to be faced with the man he was addressing with his back to him.

„Sir, are you alright?"

„I had to check on something." The Doctor cleared his throat. His voice was dark and heavy, and if Nardole wouldn't have known him better he'd have guessed that the man in front of him must have been crying for quite a while.

„I see. And you couldn't wait for me to come in and join you? Will you tell me more about it, or is this like this convertor thingy I've been asking you about and all you say is…"

„Will you ever stop asking me questions? Your mouth never seems to rest. You're constantly spreading words all over the place. It's like a disease. Why did I even take you with me?"

„You're avoiding the subject again. And don't believe you being mean will keep me from asking. The answer is: Because you were lonely. And because she trusted me. At least well enough to hand me her diary and send me after you. Apparently she knew you can't be left alone."

„Solitude sounds quite tempting right now!"

The Doctor had his back to him, but Nardole could hear his friend operating the TARDIS. Before he was able to reply, the Doctor went on.

„If I asked you to close the doors, how would you do that?"

Completely taken by surprise by this sudden change of subject Nardole lost track of what he initially wanted to say.

„I would walk over and…" Suddenly realizing what he was up to, Nardole stopped mid sentence and grinned. „Oh, you mean this door. The TARDIS door. Well, I would snap my fingers."

„Exactly!" Snapping his fingers the Doctor turned around. The door behind Nardole shut and with a familiar sound the TARDIS started to dematerialise. Nardole took a long moment to study the Doctor's appearance. His mainly grey hair stood up wildly around his head and the first two buttons of his shirt were undone. His entire appearance gave the impression of someone suffering from grief and desperation, but there was also rage and something else. Nardole wasn't entirely sure what it was. Some kind of yearning maybe.

„And that leads us to the most important question. The question scientists in all the known universe rack their brains about. Chicken or egg?"

Without paying attention to Nardole's blank face of confusion he went on pacing around the console.

„Did she know that the doors can be closed by snapping the fingers because she saw me do it, or did I tell her so she could tell me, otherwise I wouldn't have known in the first place?"

„Sir, I don't see why this is of any importance. And it all adds up to you trying to distract me again. You're trying to keep me from finding out where you've been and what you've done. But not this time. You know what they say: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice,…"

Not paying attention to Nardole's words, the Doctor walked around the console and came to rest in front of a certain panel. His hands were placed beside the control panel and he stood motionless, waiting for Nardole to realize that he had been telling him all along.

„… shame on... ohhhh... Doctor, what are you up to?"

Nardole had planned to have a look at the TARDIS monitor to find out about her latest destination but stopped only an arm's length from his friend when he saw the Doctor's eyes. They were full of pain and he had to take a couple of steps back, sudden fear overwhelming him.

„Whatever you're planning, Doctor: Don't do it."

„I haven't even explained and you're already judging me? Why is that?" A grin transformed the Doctor's face, which still didn't reassure Nardole.

„Because I know you?" Nardole started whimpering. That was something he always did when being faced with one of the Doctor's glorious plans.

„What if I tell you that there isn't a chicken/egg problem any more? Why question the source when the reason of all that isn't substantial any more?!"

„I don't understand what you are talking about, Sir. Could you please step away from the telepathic interface?"

„So you know what this is? Good." The Doctor's smile widened which made Nardole feel even more uncomfortable.

„Yes, you've used it a couple of times to connect the TARDIS to a person's mind. I remember you telling me about bringing your friend Clara into the past of her beloved. What was his name? Something with a colour."

„Danny Pink. The PE teacher."

„Yes, right. That was his name."

Mistakingly believing that keeping him talking would keep the Doctor from doing something utterly stupid, Nardole started to calm down a little.

„What I am saying is that she is gone now, Nardole. I mean I know that she's been gone for quite a while but now I…" Nardole could see him swallowing hard. „…I can't feel her presence any more."

When glancing at his face Nardole could tell how hard it was for his friend to say those words.

„I'm sorry, Sir."

„And this means that it doesn't matter."

„What doesn't matter?"

„If I remember or not."

„Remember what? And what's that to do with chickens?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes, obviously very unnerved by the obtuseness of his companion.

„It doesn't matter any more if I remember all of our encounters or if I don't. I don't have to take care to avoid accidentally bumping into her at a forbidden time and place. No more Spoilers, no more hiding behind a corner pretending not to see her."

He paused for a long time staring at Nardole whose turn it was now to swallow hard at the sheer thought of the direction this conversation was taking.

„Yes, Nardole. I know that she's been wiping my memory. From my very first self up to Mr. Tight Suit. If you believe you can take only one second from me thinking I wouldn't notice I'd recommend you try and hold your breath for a minute. You can do it but there's no way you wouldn't notice. I am a Time Lord. Time is my life essence. I can't always tell where we've been and what we have done... though a couple of times I've had an inkling... but I know exactly when my memory was wiped and how much time is missing. The first couple of times she was very careful, and replaced what she had taken from me with different memories. It took me some time to put my finger on it, but later she became more and more careless. Maybe she knew I'd be aware of the danger if I had followed those paths, maybe she had her reasons. I don't know."

„Is there anything I can do to keep you from following that path, Doctor?"

The Doctor smiled dangerously and Nardole started whimpering again.

„The thing is, Nardole, the Universe is safe. Everyone is. The deed is done and all I want is what already belongs to me. My memory is part of who I am and who she was. After all we've been through, after 24 years she deserves to be remembered. If there's one thing that I've learned from that night, it's that it is not important how much time you have. What counts is how you spend it. And with HER help…," he stroked with a hand over the TARDIS control relay. „I can bring it all back.

You think she took my place once? No! She has done it countless times and I don't even know. I have names in my head that I don't remember, places she must have taken me."

While speaking the Doctor's fingers moved carefully, almost tenderly and came to rest only inches away from the colourful fluctuating surface of the telepathic interface.

„I have modified the interface so that you can hear what is said if I want you to and since the TARDIS has access to every voice that has ever been spoken inside her…"

„I will hear her voice?" Carried away by the thought of hearing River speak again Nardole smiled. He had to give in. Though he felt that this wasn't the right thing to do, he had to admit that he couldn't think of a single argument to hold against the Doctor.

„She'll be looking for a strong emotion. A moment that will have made an impression. Now hold on…"

With those last words the Doctor let his fingers slide inside the interface. His eyes shut and immediately began moving under his lids as if he was heavily dreaming.

Suddenly there were noises all around Nardole. He tried to focus to make out what he was actually hearing, but it took him a moment to understand that it was a conversation. Two voices were speaking, a male voice he had never heard before spoke in a soft modulation, as if he was carefully picking and testing every single word before setting it free, and a second voice that Nardole was very familiar with. It was his friend River and obviously she was speaking to the Doctor, who apparently didn't have a clue who she was.

„ _Now focus Doctor. This might sting._ _"_

Her voice was warm and tender and though the love he felt for River had always been platonic, Nardole couldn't help but feel himself shiver. Hearing her speaking loud and clear as if she was standing right next to him made him realize once more how much he missed his friend.

„ _Who_ _'_ _s there? Sister Cantica? My perception is a little mangled by the whole dying in a screaming vortex thing? Where are you?_ _"_

 _Dying and screaming? Oh well... That sounds like something to happen around the Doctor,_ thought Nardole. He turned around to see that it was the Doctor - his Doctor - speaking with this unknown but still somehow familiar voice. So it was true. He really could change and obviously had already done that several times. It is one thing to know that your best friend has been living for centuries, walking the universe with different faces and will probably still be there when nothing is left of yourself than the dust of your own bones, but hearing it with your own ears is a completely different thing.

Not willing to miss a single word he tried to concentrate on the conversation.

„ _Everywhere and nowhere. Now move towards the light._ _"_

„ _You_ _'_ _re creating a physical window from inside the matrix into... What_ _'_ _s through there? My TARDIS? They didn_ _'_ _t teach you that at the academy._ _"_

„ _No. I had personal tuition._ _"_

„ _I'_ _m remembering a name, a face. River... River Song. I know you. I_ _'_ _ve met you so many times. The great storm, the Discordia, Vienna_ _…"_

„ _And all the other times, too._ _"_

Though he was moved by the fact that he could hear River's voice again, it also made him feel like an intruder. This was a private conversation and depending on where this might lead Nardole did not want to be a part of it.

„ _I always forget._ _"_

„ _It has to be this way for now. The Rivers of time washes both clean. This was a detour on my way to... wherever it is I_ _'_ _m going. I have a feeling I_ _'_ _m almost at my final destination. It_ _'_ _s been lovely seeing you again._ _"_

Nardole felt his eyes filling with tears. This must have been shortly before she headed for the Library. Maybe the last face she had met right before sacrificing herself for a man who did not even know who she was.

„ _And you for the first time._ _"_

„ _I'_ _ve given you so many first times. I_ _'_ _ll only ever have one. Now go. Your friends are waiting._ _"_

„ _You_ _'_ _ll be trapped inside the Vortex while it collapses._ _"_

„ _That_ _'_ _s the last time I_ _'_ _ll let you arrange one of our dates._ _"_

„ _River, thank you._ _"_

„ _We_ _'_ _ll meet again._ _"_

„ _When? Where?_ _"_

„ _Spoilers Sweetie!_ _"_

Her voice began fading away with those last two words and when Nardole turned around he could see, that the Doctor was returning to the here and now. His face was wet with tears, and he quickly wiped them away.

„Sir, is there anything I can do?"

When the Doctor raised his eyes to look at him, Nardole felt the fear he had felt before hitting him like a bus.

 _He'_ _s gone mad_ , Nardole thought. _Not that he has ever been fully sane but this is taking the worst out of him. I need to find a way to stop him or he might lose himself in those memories._

„No, I'm fine."

He hadn't expected to get an answer, and when the Doctor's Scottish accent suddenly addressed him Nardole's thoughts were interrupted. He looked up to see his best friend rapidly pacing around the console, heading for the stairs that led to the TARDIS interior. He knew where he was going and though he had never seen River's room with his own eyes he knew that this was the only place the Doctor would feel safe now.

„I'll be back in a jiffy."

In a jiffy? Well, that was new. Nardole had never heard him use this phrase before. What else could he expect his best friend to bring back from those memory trips?

Fighting the urgent need to run away, Nardole glanced over to the TARDIS console.

„I really hope you know what you are doing there."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

„Sir, I can't help you if you keep blocking me out. And stop saying that I was not supposed to see that since I can't see anything at all when you're inside."

„You weren't supposed to hear that either. Pull that lever over there... yes, and now move over to the console and press the yellow button... No, the other one. OK, that should do it."

„What have we just done?"

„Some adjustments. I have improved the connection... Stop pulling a face! And where is my coffee?"

The Doctor pushed himself up from beneath the telepathic circuit and placed his sonic back into his chest pocket.

Still making faces, Nardole walked around the console to the monitor. He knew that this was only another attempt to distract him. By the time that he'd have returned with a cup, his friend would have gone in again and though he knew that the Doctor was only going through memories without a connection to the real events themselves, Nardole had come to learn that it took him far less to get himself in trouble. No way was he going to leave his friend alone with this.

„I'm going in now."

It's been three minutes and 49 seconds since I last heard a detonation and their alarmed voices are still audible in the far distance. I've been hiding behind something that must have been some kind of hydraulic vehicle. Smoke still emerges from it and I know that if I need a quick escape plan, this speeder isn't the one to rely on. I look down at my hands; dirty and smeared with blood, oil and other substances, and I don't need to guess where and most importantly who I am. The metal under my fingers is hot and I can hear a ringing in my ears from detonation noises. I lift my gaze to find the sky dark red with clouds that look like wounds bleeding even darker light into it. The air is thick and heavy and I can hardly breathe.

Why did she bring me here? This is most certainly not a place for a date and I can remember this place. What could be so important that the TARDIS thinks that I need to go through this again?

I get up and move towards the ruins on the other side. This must have been a street once, but what has been asphalt is now covered with debris and ashes. Every step is an effort and there is a weight on my shoulders trying to push me down. Can I? Just lay down on the ground and close my eyes? Yes, I can. Surely, I can. But I fear that I would not have the strength to get up again. I took me 2 months and 13 days the last time.

The battle noises are fading away. Apparently all the troops were moved over to the eastern quarters. Not the strategy I would have chosen, but since I'm aware that no civilians are living in this area there's no need to rush.

I lean against a wall and close my eyes. They hurt from all the smoke and I have a taste in my mouth like sand paper and burned wood.

A moment of peace. What would I give for just one tiny moment without pain? But since it's not my body that hurts I know that there is nothing to ease it.

Suddenly I feel the hair on my neck standing up. This smell... ozone, burning wood, hot metal and... some kind of...

I feel something crashing into me and I lose my balance before I can identify the scent. I go down on the floor with whatever has just taken me from my feet landing on top of me, and the next thing I hear is a noise so loud that I fear I'll be deafened. A wave of burning air, splinters of metal and debris sweeps over me and whatever landed on top is shielding me from most of it.

Before I can wrap my brain around what just happened I feel someone pulling me to my feet and I'm being dragged away.

The air is still hot and I can't open my eyes, so all I can do is hope that there's nothing in my way. Blindly running in an area that has just been blown up is a terribly bad idea.

I'm being pushed into a side corner and made to sit on the ground. I still can't see anything, so all I can do is rely on my other senses. Not the best situation, with my ears still ringing like giant church bells.

„Not the best place for a rest, soldier!" What had been a vague perception becomes fact. It's her. Her voice is darker and she sounds like she is speaking through a thick fabric or a mask, but there's no doubt that this is my wife right here in front of me. I can hear various clicking sounds and something like an electric device charging. What is she doing? Is she loading a weapon?

My eyes still feel like a burning supernova, and when I try to open them I can feel her fingers touching my forehead.

„No no no. Leave them closed. You have a deep cut and there's blood all over your face. Here... let me help." Seriously, River? Are you really doing a Russian accent? Who do you think you're fooling, my love?

Her fingers stroke my cheeks and I feel the urgent need to wrap my arms around her and pull her close. There it is. My moment of peace. So close but yet so far.

„Hold still! It's not that bad, and if you'd stop fidgeting I could stop the bleeding."

Something cold and wet strokes my face and the distinctive smell of antiseptic stings my nostrils. Where the fabric touches my wounds, I feel a sharp pain. I could easily heal myself, but she does not know that I know that she is pretending not to know who I am. I almost burst into laughter at this thought, which is suppressed by the pain when she touches my wounds again.

„I really can't see what's so funny, soldier but I'm almost done. You ought to give your eyes some rest before you open them again. I scanned the area. You should be safe here for a while. And don't look for more trouble. I can't stay around to drag you out of trouble all day."

„Ma'am I..."

Her finger touches my lips and my words are wiped away.

„Shhhhh. I already know..." Her voice is just a whisper next to my ear, and I shiver. She's running her fingers through my hair and it takes all my self control not to drag her close. But it is not necessary. Her scent becomes stronger as she wraps her arms around me and I can feel cold leather on my cheek as she pulls me close.

I don't dare to move, fearing I could destroy this moment by doing something utterly stupid. As far as I remember I've always been quite good at that.

Her words are no more than a breeze.

„I know you're tired and you want to give up. But you have to keep going, Sweetie. There's a long road ahead of you, and even worse days to be faced and I won't lie: This will bring out the worst in you..."

A dizzyness overcomes me and my limbs suddenly feel like lead weight.

„What have you done? How…?"

„Antiseptic, my love. Never trust a nurse. Now listen: when you wake up you won't remember any of this, and I have to be sure that you won't use regeneration energy to heal yourself before you fall asleep. I need you to have the wound on your forehead to explain the unconsciousness to yourself. I have programmed your sonic to send a signal to the TARDIS as soon as you use it. She'll take you straight to Calgor Prime."

It's getting more and more difficult to focus on her words. I try to raise my hands to touch her, but I can't. Cold ground beneath my back and head, and I realize that she has just laid me down on the ground.

„I am sorry but I cannot spare you this. There is a little girl who is destined to become the leader of the local resistance in about eight years from now. Her parents have just been killed resisting a Dalek invasion troop, and she is hiding in a ruin by the northern shores. She has lost all hope and will probably be crying herself to sleep. In a couple of hours she will be woken by a unfamiliar sound. She will be very afraid but her curiousity will win, and when she follows that sound she will see a mysterious man stepping out of a strange blue box. Her name is Adhara. She's been named after a star, Doctor and that is what she is going to become. The brightest star and the only glimmer of hope for the people on Calgor. You won't even notice her but she is going to follow you around, learning that the man she always believed to be only a legend is real. You will be her last spark of hope, and watching you will give her the strength to keep going. She will grow up to become one of the most important women in this war."

I can't move a muscle, but driven by sheer willpower I am fighting not to lose the connection.

„Rest now, my warrior." She whispers in my ears and the last thing I feel before everything turns black are her soft and sweet lips on mine.


End file.
